Being a Mother is a beyond a full-time job. We are "on-call" 24/7. There are days I don't sit down all day long and there are nights I sleep in 45 minute intervals. I don't think most Dad's really understand how much a Mother does. Even when I'm sitting I'm making breast milk which is using up energy. Most days I have to remind myself to eat and drink enough water and I'm lucky if I can have a moment of peace in the bathroom by myself.
With all that being said I LOVE being a Mom. I really do. It is so hard but nothing compares to the feeling of being able to help nurture and grow your child. When people come up to me and tell me my son Lochlan is so polite because he says "excuse me" I know it's because I raised him to be that way. When people tell me how happy my son Lenix is, I know it's because I give him all of his needs and love him immensely so he has no reason to be a fussy baby. I dedicate everything to my children but I'm starting to realize that it can't be that way everyday. I still need to invest time in myself. I still need to nourish my own needs and desires.
Being a stay-at-home Mom is incredible and I am so lucky and blessed to be able to do it and I take it very seriously but I have to learn to set time aside for myself. I discovered how important this was a few weeks ago when I had a very serious panic attack. I really thought I was having a heart attack and was seconds from going to the hospital. I couldn't breathe, my face and limbs all went numb. I was scared. What was even scarier was that I was home alone with the kids and had no car. I locked us in a room and called my mother-in-law who is a nurse and told her I thought I was having a heart attack. She immediately said, "I think you're having a panic attack. Go to a quiet place and breathe into a bag." Luckily, a friend of mine had just left so I was able to call her and she came back to my house within 15 minutes and my Mother-in-law and Father-in-law showed up within the hour. It took me several hours to calm down and a few days to feel "normal" again. I realized in those moments as I was breathing into a brown bag that I needed to take some time for myself. I try to control and take care of everything all the time. I have to have the house clean, dishes done, laundry done, food made, kids dressed; I worry about my parents, my siblings, my friends; I have to take care of David and all of his needs. I take care of everyone else but me. I am good about eating right but I don't exercise other than some daily stretching and walking to the park, I don't write in my journal anymore. I haven't written on this blog in a very long time. I haven't painted since before I was pregnant with Lenix. It's honestly been years since I have invested in ME.
I decided to make a promise to myself, a commitment to give myself 30 minutes a day for
ME. Whether it means to write, read, paint, walk, exercise, meditate, cook....whatever I WANT to do I do it and I choose to not feel guilty that I'm not accomplishing my daily Mommy/housewife tasks.
Honestly, it's been hard to even give myself 30 minutes. It doesn't seem like much but before I realize it the day is almost over and I've been taking care of everything and everyone else. I am trying to be more mindful though of how I go through out my day and not allow myself to become so stressed out by all the little things that need to get done. It's okay if the house is messy and I choose to lay down and snuggle my children. It's okay if I paint while my son watches a movie and the baby is asleep. It's actually fun to exercise around my son because he always laughs and says, "What are you doing?" and then more often than not he will try it too. It's okay that I can't fix or even always help my friends and family.
I'm not perfect and that's okay.