Tuesday, February 14, 2012

To Wean or Not To Wean

 
I have been thinking about weaning Lochlan for a couple of months now; he is going to be two on March 21st. I was determined to breastfeed for at least one year, two if possible, and like most Mom's I was very tired at a year but not quite ready to quit. I also believed he was still in need of it along with it being comforting and helpful; so I kept going and every six weeks I would reevaluate and see. Now he is 23 months old and I am realizing that as beneficial it is for him it's not benefiting me as much these days. I am very fatigued all the time. I run at about 20-30% on a regular basis. I think this is a result of a couple of things: One - Lochlan has never slept through the night. He slept for eight hours, once, but usually he wakes to feed every 2-4 hours. Two - My body is very petite and I have an extremely fast metabolism. I don't think it is doing a good job keeping up with sustaining a toddler that has a HIGH demand for breastmilk. He would nurse ALL day if I would let him. In fact, he is nursing right now!

I have been trying to get over my guilt. I feel very guilty about wanting to wean him. I really wanted to try to let him wean naturally (I recently wrote a post on how proud I am to nurse a toddler) and I believe in that and think it’s great if you can let that happen. But, I have to come to terms with the fact that I am run down and it's okay that I need to stop because Lochlan sure isn’t going to stop anytime soon on his own. Nursing is a relationship and it's not working for me anymore. I need to accept that. It's been months and months of me thinking about weaning him, talking about weaning him, looking into how to wean but I haven't quite had the energy to do it and there are tons of reasons not to (it's good for him...that's the biggest and best one of all). As tired as I was I could never pull the trigger.

So, I talked to my Mother today (she breastfed her children) who is a Life Coach and she did some coaching with me. She asked me what my fears were about weaning. I told her I thought his personality would change which ultimately it will whether I continue nursing him or not. I talked about him throwing temper tantrums and not being able to soothe him with milk and how that will be difficult. But, he throws tantrums now even though we do nurse and they are difficult to deal with. That's just part of being a parent to a toddler. You can not always do everything they want or give them all that they desire. After several more questions and answers we got to the root of my issues around weaning.  I realized that ultimately I feel sad that my child is growing up. I feel sad that I no longer have a baby. I don't know if I am going to have more children; his Father and I planned on having at least three kids but now his Dad is not sure if that is what he wants anymore and that is very sad to me. If I had known that this could be my only child I may have enjoyed all the little moments more but I can't live in the past. Now all I can do is be the best Mom that I can be and mourn the "loss" of my baby.

It's hard to have a child and have them grow up. It's hard to think you are going to lose that bond with them; that they are going to become their own person and be self-sufficient and not need you as much. I think it's something that a lot of Mom's don't talk about; how hard it is to have a baby turn into a toddler and a toddler turn into a child and a child turn into a teenager and a teenager turn into an adult.  A big part of being a good parent is to know when to let go and let your child find their way in the world.

I have to let go of my nursing relationship with my son because I can longer sustain it.

When I nurse him and this sounds terrible; I get the urge to throw him off of me. I would never do that but nursing him now physically causes strain in my body. My Mom brought up the fact that when dogs and cats wean they actually kick their young and that's how a lot of mammals get their babies to wean; they kick them away, push them away, physically force them off and away from their nipples which is how I feel. I feel like I need to force him off of me. So, I need to recognize that my body is telling me it's time to stop.

Lochlan loves his breastmilk and I know that it benefits him. I am thankful that I have made it this far in nursing my son but I have to listen to my own body and accept that I have done the best I can for my child. I am so proud of myself for making it this far. But now I need to let go and let him grow up. It is really hard to let go and to accept that my son is no longer a baby. However, I need to simply appreciate who he is now and who he is becoming and what our relationship has in store and all the wonderful things that it possesses at this time. I don't know what's going to happen in the future; David and I may end of up having more kids or we may not, but I have a wonderful son and I was able to have a successful nursing relationship with him. I am thankful for that and I am thankful that I have the sense to accept that my body and mind can no longer take this and that that is okay and I shouldn't be mad at myself or feel any sort of anger or regret. This is just part of the process and it's time to accept and move forward.

So, I am going to wean my son and I am sure it is going to be difficult and I am sure I will still be tired but that is what I am going to do. So, cross your fingers, wish me luck and we will see how this goes.

12 comments:

  1. Sounds like you are making the right decision, even though it's hard. He will benefit from having a healthy, 100% mommy!

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    1. Thanks for the support. It's been a tough one to come by.

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  2. I am in the same boat. My son is 2 1/2 yrs old and is a booby monster. He still doesn't sleep through the night and wakes up every few hours for a feed. When I try not to feed him he cries out 'booby! booby!' I really don't know how to wean him as it is so hard to cut out feeds. If you know any tips let me know.
    Best of luck. I know it is not easy.

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    1. I will definitely share when I have tips; right now I am winging it for sure. Today he was possessed by a demon (he was very mad). LOL, poor guy.

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  3. Thankyou for this article, my son is 2 1/2, has never slept through and drived me mental wanting "booby" whenever i dare sit down. Reading this has made me recognise a lot of my own feelings.

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    1. I am glad I could help. Sometimes we just need to know that we are not in it alone and there are others "suffering" with us. I wish you luck. It's a tough battle for sure.

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  4. Certainly I think you need to do what is best for you first. You cod try a very gradual wean. Like limiting him to a certain number of sessions and/or night weaning him with Dr Gordon's method. Also I have a 22 month old who had reduced her nursing quite a bit until a month agao when she got ill, she has been wanting to nurse so much since then! I end up saying no when I need to.

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    1. I am trying to do a gradual wean, most definitely, I don't want to shock his system. He is mad and letting me know. Good luck to you on your weaning endeavors as well.

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  5. I could've written that myself, sweetness. My daughter is 19 months and driving me CRAZY. I can't even empty the washing machine without her screaming at me for "boo". I have three other children and breastfeeding just isn't feasible anymore. I'll probably keep going until she reaches two in June, unless I physically can't do it anymore. I could use some serious reprieve though...

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    1. It's tough because you know how much it benefits them so you want to continue but there is definitely a point that you have to let go and realize it's not working. Every Mother has a different stopping point. Mine came sooner than I had wished but that's okay. My son will survive. Let's just hope I make it through these next few weeks.

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  6. I have just been through this. I have had breastfeeding aversion of such magnitude that I was loathing being near my 15 month daughter for fear that she would want to feed. I have managed to reduce the hours of my 24 hour booby buffet and it has gone a long way in reducing my dislike. She still feeds at night, but I can cope now it's not all booby all the time. I just told her that BooBoo was very tired and needed to rest, and I would let her know when they woke up again. This seems to make sense to her. Go figure. I'm pleased I haven't stopped though. Parenting without boobs is a whole other ball park.

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    1. Just in the past two days I have limited his nursing a lot and it is so much better for me. The times that we do nurse are nice and enjoyable and I'm not like "we're doing this AGAIN?" I am like you, not quite ready to parent with out it. It is a blessing for sure.

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